on stress

the fear highway

i woke last night, like many other nights, covered in sweat and angry. another bad dream like many others. where an entity enters and i can’t beat it, no matter how hard i try. this theme has been reoccuring since i can remember. when i was a child it would scare me awake; leading to sleep paralysis and horrifying hallucinations like shadow people standing around me. as an adult it would be best described as a nuisance that goes quiet but when the wraith rears it’s head the effects are profound.

the first thing i did when i had my wits about me (no there was no demon on horseback that was impervious to your onslaughts dummy) was look at the clock. 2:19am. jesus christ. then i noticed i was drenched in sweat. great. my body felt like it had been struck by lightning. i got up and sat on the side of the bed. my dog, laying on his bed next to mine, took notice and stretched his old bones out with a long groan. “i need to check on my children.” the boys are sleeping peacefully. feeling better i went for a glass of water then laid back down. i still felt in the fight. my mind began to wander and i began to replay memories of things i’d rather forget. not having any of that and wanting sleep i turned to my laptop, found an audiobook and stayed focused on that until i was able to get back to sleep at 5am.

good morning

7 am came fast. god im tired, and i still have that jittery stuck my finger in an electrical socket feel. dogs walked, boys have breakfast? lunch? we ready? off to school we go. on the way there i get a business call. i look at the phone not even wanting to answer it. i’m tired of people. i’m tired of dealing with this. i’m just tired. i haven’t had a coffee, i’m hungry. i just don’t feel like it today. i answer the phone. instant rage. “oh a callback on a job i’ve never been on? this is exactly why i’ve told you people to let me handle this end of it because now my company is being drug through the mud over someone elses incompetence!” i stop there.

i’m on fire. my clothes exploded off my body. magically, i was covered in woad and had a shield and spear in my hands. all i wanted was blood.

before it went further i apologized and expressed that we’ll figure it out. just give me a day or two. i realized despite my disposition.. it’s not this poor fuckers fault that someone else made a mistake. it’s not their fault i’m explosive because of lack of sleep and years of stress. being a cunt is contagious, but so is being kind.

lost time

i go home when i get like this. today won’t be that bad. with more major issues (like going to court) i’ve lost a string of days because whatever the stress management system is? it’s completley broken.

the doctors have told me it’s post traumatic stress disorder, complex ptsd to be more specific. i’ve no idea if that’s true. what research i’ve done has led to hysterical young women making videos of their trauma and medical papers that are in disagreement with each other on what ptsd actually is. my concept of ptsd is the shell shocked soldier from ww1. if my cousin hadn’t turned himself into a human wind chime, i would ask him. he was blown up, had multiple tours overseas. dude was a wreck but i wouldn’t blame this all on his time in gwot. he had a pretty horrible woman in his life too. that said, i am not in his company but i do wonder if, whatever the problems, they stem from this same ‘fear highway.’

post traumatic stress disorder

i don’t like this word “trauma,” it’s become overused lexicon in a world where everyone is looking to have an excuse for their shitty behavior but we’re gonna suffer it right now.

the defintion of a traumatic event is an incident that causes you physical, emotional, spiritual, or psychological harm. you may feel physically threatened or extremely frightened as a result.

in that context it would be safe to say i’ve had many of these moments, not all equal. my childhood was seasoned with plenty of loud fights, alcoholism, cops coming to the house, you name it. teenage years doing hood rat city things. my divorce, concern for my childrens safety, was probably the biggest other stress in my life. that went on for five years. five. i’m pretty sure i almost broke when i found out my ex girlfriend (in a petty act of rage) tried to have my kids put back into that abusive situation by drumming up false allegations against me. i’ve been able to prove all of this false but what that did psychologically? i’ll never be able to fully express.

the common denominator for me throughout all of it was the fear. i was scared, later scared for those who i loved the most, who rely on me to protect them.

the fear infrastructure

i’ve read about neuroplasticity for good but what about for bad? in regards to fear: what happens to the brain’s pathways when it’s constantly surged with fear? whereas some may have a weedy footpath some of us have a fully modern 4 lane highway?

then, what happens POST that. what happens when all of the craziness stops?

this is where i feel i’m at. the fight is over, the war? there was no glorious victory. just a waste of time, energy, and money.

the fear highway sits empty these days and thats the way i like it. unfortunatley i don’t enjoy the company of others as much, because they like to pay the toll and open it up. slightest bits of rudeness, selfishness, and it’s like the fear highway wants to go back to the golden years. “we’re gonna convert this fear into anger for the big bucks” a brain cell says behind his smoking cigar. “and we’ve got plenty of lanes!”

it’s just not worth it and while others may begin to feel depressed or isolated i enjoy my time immensely. i can write things like this, or learn, whatever. 30+ years of working on the fear infrastructure, it can wither a little. i’ve got time. what is frustrating is my productivity. i have plenty to do, plenty of money to make but my focus is all but obliterated, albeit temporarily.

managing the future

i know that i’ll have to address these issues in the future. i’ve no idea how i’ll do it. i’m an expert procrastinator so maybe i’ll never do it at all! i’ve tried a lot, sleeping aids, anxiety medication, alcohol, insanolevels of training.

the best thing that’s helped the most is a drug called propanolol. it’s a beta blocker but off label? it takes the edge off of the jumpy-recently-electrocuted feeling. it slows some shit down. this probably isn’t the ideal long term answer but you can’t let it lie. the fear highway is managed by some real unscrupulous pricks. the second you let your guard down it’s a bad night of sleep, it’s an overreaction, it’s lost time and production. you are fighting the perfect psychological insurgency and if left unchecked you will lose.